"Browning 2 A"( Ff )


A great poet once said, "You've to go through hell before you get
to heaven." Okay, it was Steve Miller. Not exactly Sophocles, but
it's a nice quote. 

Diane -my stepmother- and I have had sex a total of six and a half
times in the last three weeks. The half a time happened while we
were in the kitchen doing dishes.  She stood behind me, arms
around my waist, and finger-fucked me through the fly of my jeans
while I washed and rinsed and clattered plates together to muffle
the sound of my orgasm. 

And when I say we had sex I mean just that... we had sex, as
opposed to making love. What we engaged in was hot, sizzling,
mind blowing, passionate... fucking. For the first few days I walked
around with my head in the clouds like your typical lovesick
teenager. It didn't last the week. I love Diane, but I know I'm not in
love with her. There's a difference and we both know it. That
doesn't stop us from ogling each other and playing footsie
underneath the dining room table. But it's all in fun... we're enjoying
each other, enjoying the way we can pleasure each other. We were
never in love. I understood that long before she told me that we had
to stop sleeping together. 

It was so sweet... she came to my room, sat on the edge of my bed,
and in the most quiet and tender voice I have ever heard explained
that Dad was taking her to Palm Springs for three days... a kind of
romantic getaway.  She loved my Dad and couldn't reconcile that
with the fact that she was fucking his seventeen year old daughter. 

I listened to her, touched -even moved- by her speech. I couldn't
bring myself to interrupting her since it was obvious she had
rehearsed it. I mean, how often do you tell your step-daughter that
you're breaking up with her? 

By the time she finished she was crying. I hugged her. I told her
everything was fine. I knew what I was getting into... I knew it was
only a brief affair. I told Diane how much it meant to me, how she
had opened my eyes to a world that I didn't know existed. I could
just as easily have stumbled onto my sexuality the hard way... the
painful way. I didn't. She eased me into being... cajoled me into
consciousness, showed me that two women can love each other
physically and emotionally. The other day Diane suggested I have
sex with a guy just so I know how it feels... if only to discover I
don't like it when all is said and done. She even suggested a few
"safe" candidates, students of hers that are well equipped and clean
as a whistle. 

But I can't do that. It's not that I'm repulsed by the sight of a penis;
it just doesn't excite me... it doesn't warm my insides and make me
weak at the knees the way the sight of a woman -any part of a
woman- does. My analytical brain tells me that there is nothing
intellectually disingenuous about feeling an attraction to both
women and men. But I know in my heart and soul that I can love
only women. Diane helped me discover who I am... and for that I
can never repay her. 

We held each other for a long time. There was nothing sexual about
the embrace. It was just the two of us like we used to be... holding
each other. For a moment it felt like I was being held by my real
mother. Not that I know what that feels like. But I have imagined
what it feels like countless times, imagined what it would be like to
have my mother hold me in her arms and tell me she loved me. The
way Diane held me was exactly how I imagined it would be to have
my birth mother hold me. I didn't tell Diane that. I don't know how
she would have reacted... I think it would make her very happy to
know I think about her that way. But just then wasn't the right
moment. I'll tell her sometime, though. 

I have to admit I was upset. How could I not be? She was my first
lover... I lost my virginity to her. I blossomed into a semblance of
maturity with her in my bed. I couldn't just dismiss it. Our
relationship as lovers may have only lasted a few weeks, but it still
meant something. 

But just when you least expect it, something happens to turn your
life around. I learned that the first time Diane and I had sex. I was
about to learn it again. 

Cassandra Harris is my best friend. We've known each other since
forever. We've shared the most intimate details of our lives with
each other... our hopes, our dreams, our fears. Cass was the first
person I told about my wanting to find my birth mother. She
understands me... even when I don't understand myself. We're like
sisters... I'm an only child, she has one brother who's seven years
older. We click when we're together. We need each other. I knew I
would have to tell her about Diane... about who I was. I wasn't
looking forward to it. 

I had been spared the burden so far. After school ended, her parents
embarked on their annual family vacation. They'd been gone for
three weeks. It's the same every year- her father get's them up at the
crack of dawn, drives non-stop for twelve hours, finds a hotel,
checks in, then starts the whole cycle again the next day.
Sometimes I wonder if they ever really go anywhere, or if the whole
vacation is just an endless drive from one hotel to the next. 

God, I missed her. Even with Diane screwing my brains out to keep
me occupied I still missed having my best friend around. I was so
relieved to hear her voice over the phone telling me that she was
finally home. 

I quickly invited Cass over for the weekend. Since Dad and Diane
were leaving early Friday morning for Palm Springs and wouldn't be
back until late Sunday, we had the house to ourselves. Dad left me
more than enough cash to cover everything from dinner to a movie
to a new CD and then some. 

Cass jumped at the chance. She said she needed a vacation after her
vacation. I laughed. I knew what she meant. Her parents are great...
I love them, so does Cass... but they can really try your patience
like nobody's business. Cass said she would throw some things
together and hurry over. 

I couldn't wait. It was going to be a great weekend. 

Cass came over around noon. She looked great. She's a little taller
than I am, 5'7'' to my 5'6''. She has a great body... one that almost
every boy in school lusted over. Probably some girls, too. She has
large breasts, curvaceous hips, and a  nice ass...  a really nice ass.
We've seen each other naked plenty of times, and it never ceases to
amaze me how wonderfully perfect her ass is. Unbelievable. We're
talking a work of fucking art. It defies the laws of nature.
Shakespeare could spend a lifetime writing sonnets in tribute to her
rear end. Seeing her ass would make Freud reconsider his theory on
penis envy. Sometimes a cigar might just be a cigar, but her ass is
like a ripe, well rounded apple that you want to sink your teeth into. 

I never felt conscientious around her, though. She had that kind of
affect on me. Something about her always put me at ease, even
when her breasts were developing and I was in a training bra
nursing two peas in a pod. 

"Ally!" Cass shouted. 

I scooped her into my arms and hugged her. "I missed you."

"I missed you, too, " Cass said. 

I pulled away to look at her. She was wearing a tie-dyed T-shirt
over faded denim cut-offs. No shoes. She looked like a refugee
from Woodstock. She was adorable. I knew I was looking at her as
more than a friend and it bothered me, but I was too overjoyed at
the time to really think about. I was so happy to see her.

We went up to my room and started talking... and talking. Actually,
Cass did most of the talking. I listened. I only had one thing to tell
her, and I wasn't ready to tell her that... yet. I wondered if she
noticed the change in me. She must have. I'm more happy and
content than I've ever been. She's my best friend... she had to
notice.

"Any luck finding your mother?" Cassandra asked.

I shook my head. At least this was a subject I could talk about.
"Not yet. I've called almost everyone in my family, some old friends
of hers my Dad remembers. So far no leads. I'm not giving up,
though."

"Good, " Cass said. "Don't worry, Ally. We'll find her. Now that I'm
back from that stupid vacation we can double our efforts."

"Thanks, " I smiled. 

She got up and went to the window. "Nice day out. You wanna go
sit by the pool?"

I drew in a quick breath and kept it. I don't know how many hours
Cass and I have spent by the pool. Half our life, it seems. Sitting...
tanning... talking... occasionally swimming. It was more than hobby
for us... it was a lifestyle. For her more so than me. I just like being
with her. A nice tan doesn't hurt. 

"Sure, " I said. Inside, I was all butterflies. I knew I was lusting
after my best friend and I wasn't too thrilled with myself and the
way I was feeling. But the notion of  her in a bathing suit suddenly
had my mind reeling. 

She started to take off her shirt and I felt a pang of anxiety at the
thought of seeing her bare breasts right there in my bedroom.
Fortunately -or maybe unfortunately- she was wearing her swim
suit under her clothes. It was a one piece that clung to her body like
a second skin. 

"That's new, " I said, hoping my voice didn't crack. 

She turned around then struck a pose in the mirror. "You like it? I
got it while we were in Santa Fe. My klutz of a mother spilled wine
cooler on my other one."

"I love it, " I said. 

"Yeah?" Cass smiled. God, that smile! I love the way she smiles. I
loved the way she filled out her swim suit, too, but that smile... I
don't think I could ever get tired of that smile. 

I quickly changed into my own swim suit. It wasn't nearly as
striking as the one Cass had on, but I wore it well. I was aware of
her watching me. I was even more aware of how tingly I felt all
over knowing she was watching me. I only hoped she didn't notice
how wet I was between my legs. 

We set ourselves up by the pool like we've done a million times
before. I watched her, hypnotized by her shapely figure. I hope I
wasn't drooling. We spread out a few giant beach towels and sat
down. 

Cass took a bottle of suntan lotion out of her bag and handed it to
me. "Will you?"

"Sure, "  I said. My hands were trembling. Somehow I managed to
squeeze a generous amount of oil onto my hands. She pulled her
hair aside to allow me easy access to her neck and shoulders. 

I started with her shoulders, gently rubbing the oil into her skin. I
took my time, working my way down her arms. Cass always liked
to keep in shape and it showed in her very muscular build. It wasn't
overdone, though. She still maintained a firm hold on her
femininity. But she was solid, firm. She felt great under my hands. 

"Now my legs, " she said. Cass layed down on her stomach, her
round ass sticking into the air just begging for attention. It took
every ounce of restraint I could muster not to press my face
between those glorious mounds that were her ass cheeks.  I turned
so that I was facing her feet then straddled her hips. The feel of her
hot body between my legs had my stomach doing cartwheels. I
thought for sure that she could feel my damp crotch. 

I squirted more oil onto my hands then went to work on her legs.
She has great legs, too. I stretched to reach her feet so that my
breasts were pressed against her bottom. It felt so good! I worked
my way up her legs, tracing the muscles, applying generous
amounts of oil.... more than was necessary. I worked my way up
until I could feel the round of her ass, then I casually slipped my
hand between her legs to spread oil on her inner thigh. 

"Mmm, " Cass purred. "That feels good."

I nearly came right then. How subtle... come all over your best
friend's back. Explain that one at a dinner party. 

Cass looked up. "Want me to do you?"

I thought I would faint. Even if I took the statement as she meant it
I was in trouble. "Nah, " I said. "I'm good."

"You're gonna burn, " Cass warned.

I stifled a grin. Better to burn than climax while your best friend is
putting suntan lotion on your back. "I won't stay out in the sun too
long."

I didn't, either. Every fifteen minutes or so I would go into the
house... for lemonade, to pee, anything excuse I could think of. The
real reason was that it was driving me crazy to be so close to her. I
could smell her... a mixture of perfume, and coconut suntan oil, and
whatever new shampoo she was using. I couldn't stand it. I was in
hell. 

We talked all that afternoon. She told me about her vacation...
mostly how boring it was. I didn't care. I just liked hearing her
voice. She started to tell me about this guy she met... I tensed up.
For some reason, the thought of anyone touching her made me
crazy. Apparently, they hadn't slept together. I breathed a sigh of
relief. 

I desperately wanted to tell her what had happened. I searched for
an opening in the conversation and each time one presented itself I
let it pass me by. I didn't know what to say. No... I knew exactly
what to say. I just couldn't bring myself to saying it. 

The sun set, driving us indoors. Cass was still tired from the long
trip home and I didn't really feel much like going out so we ordered
a pizza and settled ourselves in front of the television for the rest of
the night. We sat there for hours. I don't know what we watched.
Old movies, I think. We both love romantic comedies... the classic
ones when there was still romance in the world. We could have
been watching static for I knew. The only thing I was aware of was
how close Cass was to me. I could feel the warmth of her body. At
one point she curled up beside me and rested her head on my
shoulder. It was torture. Hell would be a day at the beach compared
to this. I wanted her so bad. 

It was getting late... I don't exactly know what time it was since
time had no meaning for me. I think it was about two in the
morning. It might have been even later. I was so tired. I suggested
we go to bed. 

Suddenly, Cass bolted from the sofa. It happened so fast that for a
moment I just sat there in stunned silence wondering what the hell
was going on. I followed her into the kitchen. She was pacing back
and forth. I know when she's pissed off... and I know when she's
pissed off at me. Just looking at her I could see she was both. 

"What's wrong?" I asked. 

She glared at me. "I can't believe you aren't going to tell me."

I gulped. "Tell you what?"

Cass frowned. "You know damn what I'm talking about."

"No I don't, "  I said. My chest suddenly felt heavy.

"The guy!" Cass practically screamed.

I frowned. "What guy?"

Cass gave me a look... I'd seen that look. It was rarely directed at
me. I didn't like it, even when it was aimed at someone else. "What,
do you think I'm blind? Just the way you walk tells me you've been
screwing somebody! Plus, you're distracted... I'd say aloof, but
you're a fucking million miles away."

"There's no guy, " I assured her. Could she really tell I'd gotten
laid?

"Oh please, " Cass said. "You're acting just like I did after my first
time. And you won't even tell me who it was!"

I sighed. There was no getting around it. She had me dead to rights.
I had to tell her... I wanted to tell her... I was afraid to tell her. I
took a deep breath and released it slowly. "Okay... I did it. But not
with a guy. I did it with Diane."

That shut her up. But it took a moment for the full weight of my
words to sink in. 

"Your stepmother?" Cassandra asked. 

I nodded.

"Oh God, " Cass whispered. "Ally... did she... did she.. rape you?"

"What?" I gasped. "Oh... dear God, no. Cass, don't even think that.
No, I wanted to... I really, really want to... more than I've ever
wanted anything in my life."

Cass looked up at me. The words came slowly. "You mean
you're...?"

"I'm a lesbian, " I said. "You're best friend, the one who has seen
you naked, the one who's underwear you've worn, the one that just
a few hours ago was rubbing suntan lotion all over your body, is a
big 'ol pussy eating dyke! Okay?"

She stared at me for a long time... then she started pacing again. 

"Cass, " I begged. "Please don't hate me... I'm still the same person
I always was, I  just... like women, that's all. Please. Cass... tell me
you understand."

She stopped pacing and looked at me. She was crying. But behind
the tears was an anger and resentment that I have never seen. 

"You think I'm mad because you're gay?" Cassandra cried. She
shook her head. "Jesus, Ally... I could give a shit about stuff like
that."

"Then what is it?" I asked. 

"You really don't know, do you?" Cass exclaimed. "You didn't trust
me! Do you know how much that hurts? I tell you everything!
When I first got my period, did I tell my mother first? No... I came
running over here... crying because I thought I'd done something
wrong. When I lost my cherry to that asshole Doug you were the
only person I called to tell. You! I thought we could tell each other
everything! Now I find out that you had the most important
revelation in your life and you didn't trust me enough to tell me.
Thanks alot, kiddo. I guess our friendship means nothing."

Tears were streaming down her face, and in that moment I realized
I was crying too. This wasn't happening. I kept telling myself it
wasn't happening. I don't know at what moment things had gotten
out of control, but I would have given anything to have that
moment back. 

Cass wiped her eyes. "It's too late for me to go home, so I guess I
have to spend the night. Okay if I take your parents room?"

I nodded silently. We usually sleep in my room so we can talk all
night. The fact that she couldn't even stand to be in the same room
with me hurt like no other pain I've ever known. 

"Good night, " she whispered. 

I waited a few minutes before going to bed. I was numb all over.
The shock of what just happened was more than my analytical mind
could grapple with. I felt absolutely nothing at first. Slowly, with
each step I took toward my bedroom, the reality of the situation
came crashing down on me like a ton of bricks until finally I
stumbled into my room and fell on the bed. 

I cried for hours. I buried my head in my pillow and bawled my
eyes out. It wasn't supposed to turn out like this. This definitely
wasn't what I had in mind for the weekend. I went over everything
that had just happened, reliving each moment in my mind. I still
couldn't believe it... it was like a dream, a really bad dream. I kept
wishing I could go back to the beginning of the day and start over. 

After awhile I started to finger myself, lazily playing with the folds
of my pussy. At first, it was a way to release the tension. But then I
started think of Cass and how wonderful she looked and how nice it
felt spreading oil on her body and how I'd rather be doing this to
her than just about anything. Before long I was aroused and
jamming two fingers up my cunt. At least I was feeling something
besides hurt. I came over and over again until I finally just collapsed
in exhaustion. 

A loud crash of thunder jolted me from my sleep. For a moment
everything was back to normal... I was in my room, safe and secure.
All was right in the world. Then it all came back to me.. the words,
the tears... the pain. I didn't dream it. It really happened. Cass hated
me. 

A bolt of lightening flickered outside my window followed a second
later by another loud clap of thunder. Rain pounded against the roof
like a troupe of tap dancers. Terrific. I'm dying a slow death and the
Lord of the fucking Dance is on top of my house doing a jig. I
looked at the clock. It was almost noon. My head hurt and my
mouth felt like it was stuffed with cotton balls. Cass was probably
home by now. Maybe she'd call. I stumbled into the shower, hoping
it would make me feel better. It didn't. I touched myself briefly.
Nothing seemed to help. 

I got dressed and headed downstairs. My heart stopped. Cass was
in the kitchen eating cold pizza. She looked showered and cleaned
up. Her eyes still looked a little red. I knew mine did, too. I got a
soda out of the fridge and sat down. Cass pushed the pizza box
toward me and I took slice. We didn't say anything for a long time. 

"Supposed to rain all day, " Cass said. "Wanna go to a movie?"

"I'd like that, " I said. 

She smiled timidly. "Me too."

We drove to the theatre in Diane's BMW. The rain was falling in
sheets and didn't let up once. We ran to the box office and were
soaked by the time we got there. I paid for the tickets and we went
inside. I didn't even know the name of the movie we were about to
see. I just bought tickets for whatever was showing right at that
moment. It didn't matter. This wasn't about seeing a movie. This
was about me and Cass making up like we usually did.

We found a couple of seats and sat down. The screen was already
alive with previews for coming attractions. None of them looked
worth leaving the house for. It took forever, but the feature finally
started. It was some kind of action movie. I looked around for the
first time and noticed alot of adolescent boys in the audience. Oh,
well. At least Cass and I were together. 

The movie was really boring. I like a good action movie as much as
the next person, but this one wasn't good. How an action movie can
be so dull is beyond me. I mouthed cliched dialogue as the actors
delivered the exact same lines... it was so predictable. 

About half way through the movie I'd had as much as I could take.
I was just about to call it quits when Cassandra put her hand on my
knee. At first I thought she was just trying to tell me that everything
was okay between us, a friendly pat between friends. Nothing
unusual about that. Then she started running her hand up and down
my thigh.  

I couldn't believe what was happening. I looked at her, but she just
stared at the screen like she was really engrossed in the plot...
which couldn't possibly be true since I knew for a fact that this film
had no plot. I quickly realized what she was doing. Cass knows I'm
much too reserved to make a public scene even if I wanted to. Only
I didn't want to. Her hand massaging my thigh felt too good. It was
breathtaking. Then her fingers brushed against my crotch. I gasped.
No one around us seemed to notice. Without taking her eyes off the
screen, Cass stroked the fabric between my legs. I could just barely
feel her touch against my mons but it felt wonderful. I didn't want
her to stop. 

But she did. After a few playful minutes, she casually took her hand
away. What she did next made my heart skip a beat... she took my
hand and held it. That's all. She laced her fingers with mine and held
my hand through the rest of the movie. Not once did she look at
me, not once did my gaze meet hers. We just sat there in the dark
of the theatre watching a really stupid movie with no plot that I
paid too much for and held hands. It was wonderful. 

When the movie ended and the lights came up Cass pulled her hand
away. Not roughly, like she was afraid someone might see... she
just let go. 

It was still raining so we made a mad dash to the car. We were
barely on the road five minutes when I felt her hand on my leg. She
didn't stroke me; she just let it rest there. We didn't say anything all
the way back to my house. I'm not sure what I felt... aroused,
certainly. Very aroused. I could have eaten her right there in the
car. But I felt something else... anger? Fear? Was I afraid? I
couldn't put my finger on it. 

We got back to the house much too soon for me. I was tempted to
drive around the block a few times just so I could feel Cass' hand
on my thigh a little longer. Instead, I just pulled into the driveway. 

It was raining even harder that it had been before, so by the time we
were inside we were both drenched. I noticed how Cass' wet shirt
clung to her body so that I could see the outline of her bra. I
wanted to see what was inside that bra. I wanted to touch what was
inside that bra. I wanted to wrap my mouth around what was inside
that bra. To my surprise she was looking at me the same way. 

"You wanna tell me what the hell that was about?" I asked. 

"What?" she asked innocently. 

"Don't be coy, " I said, feeling a flash of anger. I'm not sure where it
came from. "You know exactly what I'm talking about... at the
movie, in the car. Is that you're way of getting back at me? Toying
with my emotions? That's cruel."

"Gee, I thought we were on a date, " Cass grinned. 

I felt my world pulled out from under me. My best friend was
mocking me. I've never believed that a person's sexuality equals the
totality of the individual. I was a whole person long before I
discovered the joys of having sex with another woman. Still, being
a lesbian is a part of who I am... how much of a part is something
I'm still trying to sort out... but it is a part of me. And she was
making a joke about it. At least I took it that way.

"Thanks alot, " I said. I was on the verge of tears. I ran to my room
so she couldn't have the satisfaction of seeing me cry. I flung myself
onto the bed. I felt sick. I wanted to wretch. All I could do was cry
and sniffle like a baby.

There was a gentle knock at my door. "Ally?"

"Go away, " I cried. 

The door opened. Cass came in and sat down next to me. 

"Are you fucking deaf?" I yelled. "I said go away!"

"No, " Cass said firmly. "Not until you let me explain."

"I won't listen, " I said. 

She grabbed me with the those strong arms of hers and flipped me
on my back. I was scared and exhilarated at the same time. Cass
looked me right in the eyes. "You will listen, God dammit! I was
not toying with your emotions. I did alot of thinking last night...
alot of thinking. About why I was angry at you. I thought I knew. I
didn't. A part of me was hurt that you didn't just come out and tell
me that you were into girls. But that's not the whole story. The
truth is, I'm so used to guys falling over me that I thought... well, I
thought that if you're attracted to women why haven't you ever
been attracted to me?"

I looked at her. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. 

Cass continued. She never stopped holding me. "You mean more to
me than I can ever explain. You make me happy. You listen to me.
I know I can trust you and tell you anything. When I'm with you I
feel good... content, you know? Like nothing is missing from my
life. It never occurred to me that we could be anything other than
friends... that is until you dropped that bombshell on me last night.
So I started to wonder... could we be more than friends? Never in a
million years would I have thought that I could love another
woman. But I could love you, Ally. I mean... I could fall in love
with you. That scares me, because I've never been in love before. I
wasn't trying to be cruel before... I just needed to feel you. I liked
it. I think you liked it, too. I want to feel more of you. I think we
could build on what we have and turn it into something...
incredible. But I don't want to lose my best friend in the process."
She sighed. "I'm talking too much, aren't I?"

I laughed. "Yes... but I like it."

She laughed, too. "Yeah?"

"Yeah, " I said. 

We stared at each other for a long time. 

"So now what?" Cassandra asked. 

I smiled. "Maybe we should get out of these wet clothes..."

"And into a dry martini?" Cass giggled. 

I smiled. "No, I was thinking more along the lines of my parent's
king size bed. That is... if you have no objections?"

"None whatsoever, " Cass said. 

"Good, " I said. I got out of bed and we just looked at each other.
The intensity of that look is something I will always remember. It
was a combination of things... hunger, passion, desire, longing. I
never thought a simple glance could convey that much emotion. 

I took Cass by the hand and led her into my parent's bedroom.
Three weeks ago I learned what it was like to have sex with another
woman. I was about to learn what it was like to make love to
another woman. I already knew which one I preferred.