Archive-name: Humour/voodoo.txt
Archive-author: 
Archive-title: Voodoo Dick


[Heard basic joke a long time ago.  Revised by me to sound better.]


  A pool salesman, Hal, had to travel cross country for a meeting with one of 
his suppliers.  This entailed leaving his wife, Vanessa, alone for about four 
days.  This worried Hal, since he had caught Vanessa eyeing men on and
off for the last couple of months.  He decided to go down to the mall.
They had this neat little sex shop there were he could buy her some sort
of playtoy, in hopes of diverting her sexual energy.
  The next day he went there on his lunchbreak.  He opens the door and is
met immediately by a little chinese man "Hewwo, how may I hep you?".
"I'm going out of town next week, and I don't trust my wife by herself.
What can you give me to occupy her while I am gone, so she doesn't find
another man?" 
  The little man thinks a second, and then his face lights up,"Oh!  I 
have perfect cure for woman who be horny!"  He goes back through a beaded
curtain, and returns a minute later with a dusty, gray shoe-like box,
grinning from ear to ear.  "This exactly what you need."
  Hal looks at the box, so far unimpressed.  The little man opens the box
and moves over a bit into the light.  Hal peers inside, and sees what looks
like an ordinary dildo.  "What's so special about that, I can get that
anywhere" Hal says. 
  The little mans grin gets even bigger "No No silly American, this 
Voodoo dick" 
  "Voodoo dick.  What the hell is Voodoo dick?" Says Hal
  "You watch closely." replies the little man, and then exclaims "Voodoo
dick, the door!"
  And to Hal's amazement, the dildo slowly levitates out of the box, and
heads for the door.  When it gets to the door, it lunges back and forth
and back and forth at it, reducing it to splinters until nothing is left
of it.  It then returns to the box and floats gently inside.
  After witnessing this, Hal, in total amazement, says "I must have it!
It's perfect! How much is it?"
  "Two thousand dollar" says the little man.
  "Two thousand!  That's highway robbery!" says Hal.
  "OK Mr., if you no want..."
  "No No, OK, I'll take it" concedes Hal.
  "Good" says the little man "Will that be cash or Visa?"
  "Sheesh....." says Hal.

  Hal gets home that evening, and his wife meets him at the door.  "What's
in the box?" asks Vanessa.  "Oh nothing" says Hal.  
  "Please tell me.  Please please please...."
  "OK, it's for you, a special present." Hal says, and opens the box.
Vanessa glances inside and sees the dildo.  "Hal!  I already have....oops,
I mean, gee what is it?"
  "It's a Voodoo dick!  When I'm gone, and you get real horny, just open
this box, and say 'Voodoo dick - my pussy.' and you'll be completely
satisfied"  Hal says.
  "Hmmm....what will happen?" asks Vanessa
  "You'll see....you'll see...."

  Two days later, Hal's on his trip.  Vanessa is getting real horny.  She
thinks, "Gee, that man that cleans pools for Hal might be interested...nah
I'll try out this Voodoo dick thingamabob."  She goes and gets the box,
opens it up, and peers inside.  She sets the box down, and gets undressed
and sits back on the bed.  She reaches part way into the box, and thinks for
a moment, and draws her hand back out.  "Voodoo dick!  My pussy!" she says.
  Voodoo dick floats out of the box, and heads right for her crotch.  It
gets to her, and enters her, lunging back and forth.  She lays back on the
bed, thinking that this is the most incredible thing she has ever seen, or
*felt*.  She has one orgasm, two, three, and it's still going.  How does she
get it to stop?  Four...five...Oh gees, shes thinks, I have to get this
thing to stop.  
  She gets up, starts for the phone, then thinks.  "Nah, I'll have to drive
to the hospital, they'll know how to stop it."
  She puts a dress on, gets the keys to her car, and heads out, all the while
Voodoo dick is still going at her.  She's in the car driving down the road,
having her sixth, no seventh orgasm, trying to concentrate on the road.
She looks in her mirror and sees flashing red and blue.  "Oh shit.  A damn
cop"  She pulls over slowly.
  The cop walks up to the car "Good evening, may I see your liscence, proof
of insurance, and registration please?"
  "S-s-sure officer....it's r-r-r-right h-h-here" She hands it to him.
  "Have you been drinking tonight lady?"
  "N-n-n-no I haven't O-o-o-oficer.  I have to get t-t-to the h-h-hospital."
  "Are you sick?  What's the problem?" the cop says.
  "I have a Voodoo dick in my pussy that won't come out."
  "A WHAT?" the cop asks again.
  "A Voodoo dick.....p-p-p-please..."
 
  The cop thinks about it for a second.  Now he's seen it all, he thinks.
  He looks at her, and says "VOODOO DICK MY ASS!"

  

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