You've Got to be Kidding! (F/M humor condom)

"What on earth is that?"  My current boyfriend is holding out a
small package.

"Take it.  It's a condom."  He's a little embarrassed.

"What do we need that for?  I'm on the pill."  He's embarrassed,
I think he's being stupid.

"Look, you mentioned you wanted to do something different.  This
is something we've never done before."  Now he's exasperated.

"That wasn't what I had in mind."  What is it with guys?  I
thought I'd heard everything.  But, a guy who thinks sex while
using a condom is something different?  That's mindless.  I tell
him so.

"No it's not.  Look, this is important.  I've never yet needed to
use a condom but someday I might.  If we stay together, do you
plan on staying on the pill forever?  That's not exactly wise you
know.  Especially if you someday decide to have kids.  You going
to stop getting fucked while your body decides to get ready to
get pregnant?"

Oops.  Sometimes he has moments of brilliance.  "OK, you've made
your point.  Now, what's the rest of this brilliant plan of
yours?"

"Hell if I know.  I remember reading somewhere that a condom can
be put on as part of foreplay.  Makes more sense than 'whoa,
don't put that in there until I have a chance to cover it.'  "

He's still holding out the package.  Gingerly, I take it.  Weird.
How come I'm embarrassed to be holding it?  He was the one who
asked if I was on the pill or if he would have to take
precautions during sex.  Now he's showing me that his concern was
real.  He's thought about this more than I have.

Damn, the fine print is just that.  I can barely make it out. 
Yeah yeah...  I know.  This isn't guaranteed to be infallible or
do anything other than make the money for the maker.  Oh, wait. 
There's some instructions here.

'Place on penis before intromission occurs.'  I stare at it.  I
hold it up so he can read it.  I'm gratified when I see him blink
in surprise.

"Helpful aren't they?"  My tone is droll.

"Yeah.  Helpful."

We look at each other.  The unspoken question hangs there.  'What
next?'

I finally shrug and open the package.  I pull the condom out.

"This is a condom?"  All I see is a rubber ring with a film
stretched across the center.  I study it.

I look at it and then at his penis.  I look back at the condom. 
This is silly.  I'm an adult.  How come I never paid attention to
this aspect of adulthood.  For that matter...  "Well?  You're the
one this is supposed to fit."  I hold it up.

"How?"

I set it on the tip of his penis and smile slightly.  "It's on
your penis.  If I sit on that, how do I remove it when you lose
it inside me?  For that matter, how does it stop your semen?"

"You really don't know?"  He sounds surprised.

I can't blame him.  I can only shake my head and whisper "No."

"OK, I played with one last night.  You put it on the tip like
that and then unroll it down my penis."  He shrugs when I look at
him.  "I experimented a bit.  It will unroll with no problems."

"I also jerked off to see how it felt.  Odd."  He pauses and then
rushes on.  "It hurt like hell when I rolled it up and got my
pubic hair caught in it."

"Strange.  You are truly strange."  I can't help my grin.  "OK,
let me see if I can get this right."

I settle in and take some time to work him with my mouth.  Why
not?  He did mention foreplay.

Eventually, I place the condom on his tip and unroll it.  It goes
on easily and there is still a ring when I reach the base of his
penis.  When I let go, it rides up a a bit but doesn't roll back
up.

Tentatively, I apply a few strokes.  It stays firmly in place.  I
have visions of it rolling up during sex and being lost inside
me.  On the other hand, people have been using these for years. 
I guess I'll have to trust that it will stay where it belongs.

"Well?"  He's had his eyes closed.  From the twitches, I can tell
he's enjoyed this so far.  So have I.  Instead of answering him,
I bend over and apply my lips again.  There isn't a taste so much
as there is a feeling.  It's like sucking a dildo.  Except this
'dildo' is throbbing in a way no mechanical one can.  I can also
feel the heat.

I shift so I straddle his face in invitation.  From here on,
everything is as usual.  I tease him almost to orgasm and then
pause.  He sucks on me and sticks his tongue inside me.

I shiver into not quite orgasm.

Unable to bear it any longer, we shift so he can slide home.  He
feels smoother but that's about the only difference I can clearly
feel.  He moves in me for a bit and then I feel his body tense as
he orgasms.  I haven't orgasmed but that isn't unusual.  There
are other, more reliable ways for me to orgasm and he knows them.
My turn is later.

He collapses on top of me and I enjoy his weight as it presses me
into the bed.

When I feel his penis soften and eventually slide out completely,
I remember.  "Get off you oaf.  I want to make sure that condom
is still where it should be.  On you and not in me."

Finally, I'm able to see his penis.  The condom glistens.  Even
though his penis is now smaller, the condom is still on it.

I remember the violence of our sex and have to admit I had my
doubts.

Maybe using a condom isn't as bad as I thought it would be.

I'll never tell him but sex with a condom definitely is
different.

I wonder what variations we can discover?