"Tropic of Eros" - Chapter 16 
   Pain.

   Anguish.  Grief.  Sorrow.  Heartache.  Sadness.  Misery.

   As I lay in bed on this rainy Tuesday evening, all hunched
over and curled up on my side, those horrible feelings listed
above (and many more just like them) were swirling throughout
me.  I could not believe that Pamela had, for all intents and
purposes, ended our relationship.  I thought that she and I
had something extremely special which had the possibility of
lasting for not only a lifetime, but all of eternity as well.
Alas, it was not going to happen.  We were finished together.
   Oh... I know that Pamela said that our relationship was,
by no means, over.  She wanted to _slow down_ and take a
_step back_ to assess things before entering any into type of
bona-fide commitment with me.  I may not have a whole lot of
experience when it comes to women, but the writing was on
the proverbial wall.  My relationship with Pamela was over.
   I had been sprawled across my bed here in my personal
suite for the past three hours.  My stomach was in a extreme
amount of discomfort because I had spent a large portion of
those three hours crying my eyes out like an upset toddler.
My stomach hurt so much that I was clutching it as I lay on
my side.  I believed that I was past the crying stage, but
felt the same way 10 minutes ago before another fit started.
   Pamela seemed to be the woman that I had been searching
for my entire life.  She was incredibly ladylike and classy,
but also friendly, warm-hearted, caring and very loving.
Pamela's awe-inspiring physical attributes and cover-girl
face were an extra attraction for me - but certainly not the
main reason why I found her so wondrously appealing.  The
way she looked was icing on top of a delicious cake for me.
   It also seemed - at least to me - that Pamela and I went
together like bread and butter.  Salt and pepper.  Steak
and a baked potato.  I thought everything between us was
absolutely perfect, and progressing to even greater heights
each and every single day.  But the blinding speed of our
relationship had scared Pamela away.  She had gone too far,
too fast (her opinion only, mind you) with me.  Personally,
I did not mind going two years in two weeks with Pamela.
   I felt as if I could marry the woman right now, and be
forever happy with her.  I would enter into the marriage with
no hesitation whatsoever.  I thought that highly of Pamela.
I loved and cared for her so very much.
   Regardless of what the trio of Lindsay, Amy and Stephanie
had claimed, Pamela was not after me for my money.  She MOST
DEFINITELY was not a _whore_ - as Stephanie accused her of
being.  I felt as if that was a pretty ignorant (not to
mention classless) remark from Stephanie.  One's profession
(exotic dancer or not) does not define them as a whole.
There are both good and bad police officers in this crazy
world of ours.  Good and bad nurses, teachers, secretaries,
construction workers and so on.  There are also, believe it
or not, both good and bad exotic dancers.  I undoubtedly
had the best of them all on my island with me right now.
Her name was Pamela.  And I loved her more than anything.
   Because of the verbal firestorm Lindsay, Amy and Stephanie
so cruelly assaulted her with, I did not see how Pamela could
look at any of them as friends anymore.  What had Pamela done
to deserve such harsh words from those three ladies?  Did
Pamela, as Lindsay suggested, _hog_ me all to herself?  _I_
wanted to spend time with Pamela myself.  How could Pamela
have _hogged_ my time when I wanted her to spend even MORE
time with me?  If anything, _I_ hogged Pamela's time!
   And what was that about Amy saying that all of the ladies
had an agreement that they would _share_ me?  I understood
that logic, sure.  But the more I thought about it, the more
it seemed that I was a piece of meat to them.  While millions
and millions of men across the world would enjoy being looked
at in such a light by a wide variety of beautiful women, I
was not one of them.  I was not a sex object and, believe it
or not, I took great offense to Amy insinuating that I was.
   Stephanie calling Pamela a _whore_ was the worst thing of
all, though.  I wanted to take a little time to think things
over, but that was grounds for dismissal from the island in
my book.  Stephanie was skating on very thin ice right now.

                           * * *

   Still laying in my suite (and feeling quite miserable), I
was so startled that I twitched and sat up when I felt a
presence on the mattress behind me.  I quickly turned around
to get a glimpse of who had paid me this surprise visit.  It
was Kristanna, who was cradling one of her beloved animals
here on the island - Bow Wow Meow (a cat) - in her arms.
   "Hi Jeremy," she greeted me, her voice quiet and sullen.
   I tried to wipe away the excess of tears which had settled
and dried on my face.  Although I was not the type of man who
considered himself to be _above_ crying, I did not want for
anyone - especially a woman - to see me in such a weak state
of mind.  On the other hand, of course, Kristanna had watched
me cry many times in the past.  So this was really nothing
new to her.  "What are you doing here?" I asked, upset.
   Kristanna placed Bow Wow Meow upon my shoulder and mused,
"I brought you a little pussy to help cheer you up."  When it
was obvious that her attempt at humor was unsuccessful - I
was not in the laughing mood - Kristanna grabbed the frisky
feline and then set it down upon the floor.  Bow Wow Meow
slinked off toward its favorite corner as Kristanna looked
at me and frowned.  "I heard what happened, Jeremy."
   Something did not seem right here.  Although I could not
pinpoint it just yet, I knew something was wrong.  Different.
   "Oh?" I countered.  "What did you hear?"
   Kristanna took a deep breath.  "I was just talking to
Pamela for the past half-hour.  She told me that you and her
were _on hold_ for the time being."  Kristanna reached out
and touched my face with her right hand.  "You okay, Jeremy?"
   Suddenly, I realized what seemed so out-of-place.
   "What happened to your voice?" I asked, confused.
   Kristanna hung her head low for a brief moment, then
glanced back up at me and shook her head in response.  "I
have wanted to tell you, Jeremy, for the longest time that I
speak perfect English.  But you... you like that wild accent
I use so much.  I always used it because you enjoyed it.
But I speak perfect English.  In my country, we are taught
English at a very early age."
   I was so shocked that I could not even say anything...
   "I always use that accent when I meet someone new who
does not speak my own language, Norwegian," she went on.
"It is a way for me to get noticed, I guess.  I met you five
years ago, Jeremy, and you just ate my accent up.  You have
always told me that I sound so chippy and funny.  So, I kept
using it.  But at the same time, as you became my close
friend and someone who meant a great deal to me, I wanted
you to know that I can speak perfect English, too."
   Kristanna paused and continued, "Right now seems like the
perfect time to let you in on my little secret.  I'm not
here to make you laugh.  I'm here to be your friend."
   Still stunned, I simply stared at Kristanna.  Her accent
was her defining quality to me.  It always had been.  But
now, I learned, it was fake?  Kristanna's accent was _fake_?
   She pouted.  "I hope you're not mad at me, Jeremy.  I have
kept using it for so long because I know that you enjoy it so
much.  But... but I wanted to come clean about it.  I did."
   "I'm not mad," I breathed.  "Just a little surprised."
   "I was talking to Pamela," Kristanna said, returning to
her original topic.  "She told me what happened.  Pamela is
really upset.  Not only does she want to rip Lindsay and Amy
apart for what I guess they said to her, and especially
Stephanie, but Pamela knows that she hurt your feelings.
Pamela cares about you.  She loves you.  Never doubt that."
   I chuckled in a bitter manner and shook my head at her.
"If Pamela loves me, then why is our relationship over?"
   "It's not over," Kristanna responded.  "She just wants it
to be _on hold_ for now.  Wants to take a step back."
   "That's the kiss of death, Kristanna!" I exclaimed, angry.
"When a woman says that, or _well, I think you're a nice guy_
when you ask them out for the first time instead of an honest
_yes_ or _no_, it's the kiss of death.  I have a snowball's
chance in HELL of EVER getting back with Pamela!"
   Kristanna shook her head.  "I don't agree with you."
   I moaned and sighed, the anger and rage slowly building
within me.  "Lindsay and Amy, and especially Stephanie, are
responsible for this.  If they did not go off on Pamela like
they did, everything would be perfectly fine right now.  I
thought Amy, beneath all that aggression, was a good person.
I thought Lindsay was an angel.  And I thought Stephanie was
supposed to be friendly.  You oughta heard what they said!
I saw and listened to EVERYTHING with the voyeur room!"
   "What exactly was said?"
   "Stephanie called Pamela a whore because she has been a
stripper for so long," I frowned.  "Stephanie accused her of
going after me just for my money, and nothing else.  Lindsay
said that Pamela hogged my time, and Amy agreed with her."
   "You spent time with Pamela because she is the one girl
on the island who makes you the happiest," Kristanna said.
"I can understand that.  Nothing wrong with it, either."
   I fell over onto my side upon the bed and buried my head
into the pillow.  Suddenly, I found it difficult to hold
back a new batch of tears while saying, "What am I going to
do, Krissy?  Pamela is so perfect for me.  I am so perfect
for her."  A tear escaped from my right eye and dripped onto
the pillow beneath me.  "Just m-makes me start to think that
I'm never going to be happy in l-life.  I'll spend the rest
of my days, all alone, on this island."  I hesitated for a
moment before continuing, "All alone.  I'll d-die here.  No
one will even discover my body for six or eight months, if
not longer."  I did start to cry as I concluded, "My whole
life... it has been wasted up to this point.  JUST WASTED!"
   Kristanna tilted her head to the side and looked at me
for several seconds, then reached out and placed her hand
upon my shoulder.  She trailed it downward, momentarily
massaging and caressing my back.  "You choose to live here
all by your lonesome, Jeremy.  How many times have I asked
you to move to Norway with me?  How many times have I asked
you to just VISIT Norway for awhile, and see what it is
like?"  Kristanna shook her head and added, "No one is
forcing you to be live on this island.  It's your choice."
   "It's been 11 years," Kristanna commented.  "It's been 11
years since Victoria left you at the altar for that other
girl, Jeremy.  When are you FINALLY going to stand up for
yourself, and release the clamp that Victoria has on you?
You have not even seen or spoken to her in 11 years.  It's
OVER.  NOTHING can change what happened that day.  NOTHING.
If you cannot change it, then why worry about it?"
   "You don't understand how humiliating that was for me."
   "Maybe not," Kristanna nodded.  "But do you remember when
your brother and sister from Ohio paid you that surprise
visit last year?  I was visiting you then too."
   "Yeah," I answered.  "You told Dan and Di that you were
my girlfriend.  And the kids loved it here... especially
the movie theater and the beaches."
   "Your brother and sister tried to convince you to leave
this island, too," Kristanna recalled.  "They tried to get
you to move back to Ohio with them.  To re-enter the world
and be an actual human being again.  You told them... _no_.
Do you remember what your reason was?"  When I did not
answer, Kristanna did it for me by saying, "Because seeing
them reminded you of Victoria.  Seeing anyone who was at
your wedding reminds you of Victoria, and the humiliation
that you endured.  Even your own family.  That's wrong."
   Kristanna shook her head.  "You became an Internet tycoon
ten years ago when it was still in its infancy.  You built up
this huge fortune and then sold everything off eight years
ago.  With all that money in your pocket, you buy a private
island in the South Pacific and go away there to hide from
the rest of civilization.  By that time, you told me,
Victoria had met a new man and was already married to him.
She was not tormenting you, or poking fun at you because
of what happened in the past.  She was not doing anything.
You have so much to give someone, Jeremy.  I'm not talking
about money, either.  Look at Pamela.  She worships the
ground that you walk on because you are the most amazing
man she has ever met in her whole life.  I could say the
same thing about Devvy, too.  She is crazy about you."
   "Devon?"
   "Yes, Devvy," Kristanna nodded.  "That's my name for her."
   "How can Pamela worship the ground that I walk on, as you
say, if she doesn't want to be with me anymore?"
   "What happened between you and her is a common occurence
in relationships," Kristanna advised me.  "Believe it or not,
but you are not the only man who has been told by his woman
that she wants to take a step back and slow down for awhile.
Many times, a month later... two months, boyfriend and
girlfriend are back together, and happier than ever before.
It happens a lot in the early stages of a relationship."
   "It will never work, Kristanna," I sighed.  "Even if
Pamela and I got back together - which we won't, but even if
we did - I would screw it up somehow.  I always do."  I
shook my head and added, "I've been a failure my whole life."
   Kristanna narrowed her eyes at me and asked, "Have you
been taking your medication lately?"
   "YES, I HAVE!" I sniped in response.
   "I didn't mean to make you angry, Jeremy..."
   "If I can't get Pamela to want to be with me... then I'll
never be happy," I told her.  "Pamela is perfect for me.  I
think I am perfect for her.  If I cannot get her to like me,
then WHO CAN I get?  Just what I said earlier - I will spend
the rest of my life on this Godforsaken island, and die here.
Who in their right mind would love me anyway?  Maybe that is
the thing, Kristanna.  Maybe Pamela discovered what type of
person I am, and she was not interested in me anymore."
   "What type of person are you?"
   "The type who has been to dozens of psychiatrists over
the past 11 years.  The type who has spent a cumulative of
four months in nine different mental hospitals.  And the
type who is jacked up to his eyeballs on anti-depressants.
All because of what Victoria did to me 11 years ago!"  I
shook my head once again and fumed, "Who wants to be with
someone like me?  Maybe that is Pamela's real reason."
   "Pamela loves and cares about you," Kristanna insisted.
"I do not see why you cannot accept that as fact, Jeremy.
I just finished talking to her.  We talked for 30 minutes,
if not longer.  All she wants is some SPACE."
   "You're always trying to hook me up with Devon," I said
to Kristanna.  "You keep telling me that she is crazy over
me.  Wait until she gets to know me!  What would Devon, who
is so nice and so down-to-earth, want with a guy like me?"
   "Devvy has had a lot of problems in her life, too,"
Kristanna advised me.  "You and her are a lot alike that
way, Jeremy.  The difference is that she has moved on from
her problems - or at the very least, tried to - while you
still dwell and think about yours everyday."
   "What problems could Devon possibly have?"
   "Her parents have basically disowned her from the time
she was 17," Kristanna answered.  "She got into a little bit
of trouble back then.  Actually, a whole lot of trouble.
But her parents - to this day - never forgave her."
   "What happened?"
   "I think Devvy should be the one who tells you of her
problems," Kristanna responded.  "Ask her, Jeremy, and she
will tell you.  Devvy is like a book that way.  If you are
nice to her, and treat her well, she will tell you anything
and everything about herself.  Devvy is very, VERY honest.
But the girl has problems just like you do.  She feels like
a total outcast around her very own parents."
   I vehemently shook my head and surmised, "Devon would
want nothing to do with me once she learns of all the many
problems I have.  Because of her own problems, she needs
someone with minimal baggage in life."
   "Devvy needs someone who will love and care for her, and
treat the way she deserves to be treated - with respect,"
Kristanna countered.  "You would give her that, Jeremy, and
so much more.  I have told her a few things about you just
like I told you a few things about her.  Believe it or not,
but she is still interested in you."
   I shook my head once more, not wanting to listen to any
of that.  "No one would love me, Krissy, once they get to
know me.  I'm just... I'm all screwed up."
   "I know you, Jeremy.  And... _I_ love you."
   "WHAT?"
   "I've known you for five years, Jeremy.  I've been coming
to visit you for five years.  You've poured your entire
heart and soul out to me.  You've told me all of your little
secrets.  And I still love you.  I always have."
   I was dumbfounded.  "You mean as a friend, right?"
   She shook her head and replied, "No."
   "You're interested in me as a... a boyfriend?"
   Kristanna chuckled ever-so-softly and shook her head to
that as well.  "No, not exactly.  I'm interested in you a
LOT more than just a boyfriend.  Something ever-lasting."
   Kristanna had dropped little hints here-and-there about
her true feelings for me, but I dismissed them without a
great deal of thought or consideration.  I simply figured
that I was reading too much into what she said, or that I
was perceiving her advances (and her cryptic messages to me
in Norwegian) wrong.  This was my _best friend_ here...
   "Why haven't you told me this in the past?"
   Kristanna took a deep breath.  "I tried.  Many times.  I
tried to convince you to go with me to Norway, but you
always refused.  You wanted to stay on this island rather
than be with me.  It just got to the point between us where
I figured that you were completely incapable of looking at
me as anything other than your friend."
   "I tried to convince you to stay with me on the island..."
   "Why should I want to stay here?" Kristanna asked me.  "My
whole life is back in Norway.  Momma and Papa, my sister and
her kids, all of the friends and relatives that I grew up
with.  I love my family SOOOOO much.  I miss them so much.
That is the difference, Jeremy.  I have a reason to go back
to Norway.  You have NO REASON to stay on this island.  If
you really wanted a new start in life, where no one would
know about your past, Norway would have been the perfect
place for you.  You could have started over, but you would
have had me by your side.  I would have helped you, Jeremy,
adjust to my country.  Why should I stay on this island?
Why should YOU stay here?  It was more important for you to
live in this tropic of eros that you call home, and be
miserable, than to go to Norway and pursue a life with me."
   "I never looked at you as anything more than a friend!" I
exclaimed, trying to defend myself.  "I had no reason to
because I thought you felt the same way about me!"
   Kristanna frowned for a moment, then nodded her head in
response.  "Maybe I should have told you my true feelings a
long time ago.  But again, it just got to the point where I
thought you were incapable of looking at me as anything more
than your friend.  So... I accepted that as fact."
   Kristanna looked up at the Heavens for an instant, then
re-focused upon me.  Suddenly, there were tears in her eyes.
"I would do anything for you, Jeremy.  I really would.  That
is why I helped you bring all of these girls to the island
in the first place.  You're incapable of looking at me as
_your girl_, and I accept that."  She paused for a moment,
trying to find the right words to continue with.  "I know it
may sound totally crazy on my part, but if I can't have you
for myself... I want you to hook up with one of these girls -
Devvy, Pamela, Trish, Lindsay, Amy or Stephanie.  With or
without me, Jeremy, all I want is for you to be HAPPY!  It
is all I have EVER wanted for you!  V-Victoria hurt you so
much 11 years ago.  She destroyed you!  If I had one wish in
life, it would be for you to be happy.  You deserve it!"
   Once again, I found myself totally speechless.  If I read
this situation correctly, Kristanna was in love with me.
But my happiness was more important to her than her own
needs.  If she could not have me as a romantic interest in
her life, Kristanna still cared about me so much that she
wanted to pair me up with someone who would, in her own mind,
make me happy.  I was stunned by her gracious words...
   "I cannot tell you all the many times back home in Norway
when I thought about you, Jeremy."  Kristanna's voice began
to break and squeak as she added, "I went to parties with my
friends.  I would go out with my family for a night on the
town.  No matter what... I was having such a good time.  A
blast."  She gulped her throat.  "Then I thought about you.
While I'm out with my family, my friends... I knew you were
all alone on this island.  Probably laying in bed, feeling
all empty and depressed.  Even worse, pr-probably laying in
the d-dark.  It always made me start to cry..."
   Kristanna shielded her eyes and, indeed, began sobbing.
"I... I felt so horribly GUILTY!  The man I love, the man I
want to be with... I left him all alone for three or four
weeks at a time!  THAT is why I suggested you bring a group
of girls here, Jeremy!  I just want you to be happy.  It's
at the point now where it doesn't matter if it's with me or
not.  I just want you to be HAPPY!"
   "Sweetheart, I don't even know what to say..."
   "Maybe Trish and Stephanie are not really interested in
you the way you and I wish they were," Kristanna commented,
regaining her composure and wiping away her tears.  "Who
knows about Lindsay and Amy after their actions lately?  But
I think that you're not interested in them as a possible
wife anymore, especially with what happened earlier.  But
Devvy and Pamela, Jeremy... both of them are crazy for you.
I WOULD NOT TELL YOU that you and Pamela still have a future
with each other if it wasn't true!  But if you really think
that you're finished with Pamela, try Devvy.  That girl is
so sweet and sexy.  Give her a chance, Jeremy!"
   "I thought you had designs on Devon, Krissy," I countered.
"You said you offered to let her move to Norway with you."
   "Kanskje alle tre av oss kunne flytter til Norge..."
   "What did you just say?" I demanded.  "Tell me!"
   Kristanna shook her head.  "Nothing, Jeremy.  Nothing."
   "Tell me!"
   "I don't want you to take it the wrong way."
   "I won't take it the wrong way if you tell me what it is
that you just said," I insisted.  "PLEASE!  You're being all
open and honest with me tonight.  No more secret messages!"
   Kristanna sighed and took a deep breath.  "I said... maybe
all three of us could move... to Norway.  Me, you and Devvy.
That... that would be the best-case scenario for me."
   "The three of us?  All together?"
   "If Pamela wanted to come along, that would be wonderful,
too," Kristanna said.  "The four of us could be a family,
Jeremy.  There would be so much happiness.  And we would see
to it that you would never even THINK about Victoria again!
But I... I know you would never go for that.  Not only do
you never want to leave this island paradise of yours, but
you do not look at me in that kind of a way - as a lover.
That is fine, though.  It really is.  I... I understand."
   I was silent, allowing those words to sink in.
   "I remember the first time I saw you five years ago,"
Kristanna mused.  "It was at the inca ruins over in Peru, at
Machu Picchu.  Do you remember that, Jeremy?  You were
looking at one of the exhibits.  I was with Momma and Papa.
Momma said that I was drooling at the mouth, looking at you.
She was the one who convinced me to go over and talk to you.
I was apprehensive about it because I did not know you at
all, and I was thousands of miles away from my homeland."
Kristanna frowned and added, "Unfortunately, that wild accent
of mine came out when I introduced myself to you."
   "I... I always liked your accent," I told her.  "Whether
it was real or not, I... I liked it."  I paused, thinking
about what she had just told me.  "You were drooling?"
   "Literally, yes," Kristanna answered.  "Not figuratively."
   "Why?"
   "You want me to be honest?"
   "Of course I do."
   Kristanna took a little time before finally explaining,
"I believe that there are maybe two or three people in a
person's life, Jeremy, that when they see them for the first
time, the only thought that comes to their mind is WOW.  I
felt that way about you when I saw you at the ruins.  To be
totally honest, I have only felt that way about one other
person in my entire life.  That was when I was still in
school - her name was Helga - and it was a long time ago."
   "Your favorite girlfriend, Helga?"
   Kristanna paused and smiled, then continued, "I saw you
at Machu Picchu that first day, Jeremy, and I was just blown
away.  I mean, completely blown away.  Again, honestly - I
was so much in love with you from that very first moment."
   "For whatever reason, I had this sense about you.  It
wasn't because of the way you looked, either.  Rather, I saw
you as someone who was extremely nice and caring; very loving
and peaceful.  You were the perfect man for me.  I knew this
even before you and I said one word to each other."
   "But you know what?" Kristanna added, grinning.  "You
turned out to be even BETTER than perfect for me, Jeremy.  I
learned that over the course of time.  I couldn't believe it.
You're so generous and thoughtful.  You do good, ultra-nice
things for others like it is nothing.  And you're so very
understanding.  You're everything I've ever wanted in a man."
   "Never before did I ever believe that I would find a man,
or even a woman, who I felt this strongly about.  But you
turned out to be that person, Jeremy - moreso than Helga, or
my first boyfriend from Norway, Mubbashir, or even anyone
else."  After taking a deep breath, Kristanna offered her
most sincere smile and added, "I want you to be my universe.
I would do anything for you.  Anything AT ALL to make you
happy.  I... I love you more than you'll ever know.  I do."

   .....Okay.....

   This was my best friend here, saying things to me that I
thought I would NEVER hear from her.  I was flabbergasted!
   "Why... why... am I... perfect... for you?"
   Kristanna shook her head.  "Why don't you look in the
mirror for starters?  That is your biggest problem, Jeremy.
You do not give yourself any credit whatsoever.  Pamela
thinks you are hot and sexy.  Devvy thinks you are hot and
sexy.  _I_ think you are hot and sexy.  I would even say
that little Lindsay and nasty Amy think you are hot and
sexy!  You, though, call yourself plain and ordinary."
   "But it goes beyond the way you look, obviously," she
continued.  "Beneath all that depression is a very warm
and loving person.  Look at what you have done for Pamela.
Look at how you treat her.  She has asked me several times
over the past week or so if that is really the type of
person you are.  If you are REALLY this sincere, this
gracious, this warm and caring.  She wanted to know if it
was an act or not.  I told her it was no act.  This is the
type of person that you really are.  You're so humble, so
giving, so incredibly sweet, Jeremy.  That is the sexiest
thing about you, if you ask me - your good nature."
   My heart was fluttering with positive emotions - and a
very sudden, overwhelming sense of love and devotion - as
Kristanna mused, "It is my personal goal for you to have
found the girl of your dreams before the next eight weeks
are up.  Whether it is Devvy or Pamela, or one of the
others, as long as you are happy... _I_ will be happy."
   I was quiet for a few seconds, but finally mustered enough
courage to say, "I think I'd be happiest with you, Krissy..."